Religious Teen Who Shook it Three Times is Planning Out His Eternity in Hell

By: Bobby Johnson, WTL

Updated: 7:32 AM CT, Thurs February 17, 2022

Joshua Glick, 13, has been keeping a public itinerary of how he plans to spend his eternity in Hell after he accidentally shook his silent flute three times in the restroom. "It wasn't on purpose," Glick recalls. "And I didn't enjoy it the way people claim they do, but I know the rules. If you shake it three times you're playing with yourself, and the good book is very clear on what happens if you play with yourself." Glick, of course, was referring to the fact that he would be sent to the eternal resting place of damned souls to be tortured for the rest of time.

"if you shake it three times, you're playing with yourself'

After going through the five stages of grief fairly quickly, Glick began planning how his eternity would go now that he is doomed to hell. "There's no point in fighting it," Glick said. "Our all-knowing creator knows what happened and will punish me accordingly. I might as well organize how my afterlife is going to go." His extensive itinerary includes things as:

• Basking in the warmth of hell's heat on dandruff filled beaches next to the snot-filled oceans

• Learning how to knit using all the pubic hair that was shaved off for pornography

• Climbing Mount Salacire - the mountain made from premarital broken hymens

• Attempting to befriend Asmodeus

"Asmodeus is the demon for lust" Glick told us. "It would make sense that we have the most in common since I have no self-control whatsoever apparently.

"The mountain made from premarital broken hymens"

Many questions posed to Glick on why he has given up so early such as "what about asking for forgiveness?", "if you're already going to hell, are you planning on doing more fun things?", and "what other methods are you taught to get the rest of the urine out if the first two shakes don't cut it?" Glick was very kind to answer many of these. He said that the type of forgiveness offered to him does not preclude him from going to hell, and if he continues to mess up then the layer of hell he goes to will just get worse and worse. "I have thought about committing just enough acts of apostasy to get to the level of Elvis," Glick said. "I've always secretly been a fan of his Christmas albums, not his hip-shaking though. That's what got him there." Glick was unaware of Elvis' gospel album and rethought the statement.

We attempted to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Glick about their son's obsession with accepting his fate at such a young age. They would not speak to us after we used his name in their presence.